im currently sitting at another desk today, a nice reshuffle going on at work, its a good spot hidden away at the back of the office, i can pretty much do what i like an get away with it, my friends daughter works there now an she sat next to me, she was telling me she wants to go to greece for her holiday, she also tells me she is being pestered by a 65 year old millionaire, she likes the money she says but says she has awful images of him writhig about on top of her, i told her it was a small sacrifice to make, i hope for her sake she didnt take me seriously. .

I also had that horrid 'reality check' feeling where i realise im 100% more antisocial than i normally imagine, i have spent 3 years working with some people in the office an never said 1 word to them, we just exchange glances an fill in the gaps with our own theorys on paranoia 'i swear she hates me' 'i think she must fancy me' 'does she think im weird' 'oh fuck it she can think what she likes' 'perhaps she is waiting for me to say hi' 'we have a relationship goin on in our heads a silent trust' those choice quotes brought to you curtesy of my head in a woody allen kind of manner, i guess im quite lucky in the fact that i dismiss them 10 secs after..

Well after 3 years of these same thoughts i thought i may try my luck an attempt some real communication, i said hi, i think she was stunned, she said hi back then it just pretty much folded, i may as well of just said 'see you in 3 years' at least then we could of struck a deal, its laughable really in a lot of ways though i like to keep them all at arms length with the self belief of 'ill let them in when i want them in my life' the awful small talk part scares the crap out of me, ive no interest on knowing where they are going on thier holidays as they go to the same place every year the only real difference is they shag a younger guy each time, (or is that THEM getting older i dont know?)..

I spoke to my friend matt he wants me to go visit him an his wife in the U.S. i would like to go i wonder how much we have in common in real life though, our only contact is through msn an online gameing an he is a military boy they will love me im sure, all unkempt hair smokey wheezy breath and a passionate hate for all they stand for, still it wont be the 1st time ive been to a clan rally dressed as boy george let me tell you!

i wonder if my diarys will get better? Right now i think they are pretty emotionless, but right now i think my life is pretty emotionless, its weird i strived to create a minimal existence trying to cut out the bullshit in my life an now i guess im bored. The problem is when you try an join in 'the game of life' you dont actually really believe in 1 fucking bit of it, i tell you i try to play along but it seems every situation i get in is a like a stuck record ive been there 100 times before, i know what they like j-lo an r'n'b, i know what fancy little freaking sports car they tell thier girlfriends they are gonna buy, i know what types of guys they go for, i know what drink they want to drink an i know why they want to drink it, but then again... i know why no one understands them, i know why they go to school an scratch 'i love kurt' in thier arm with a razor, you want to excite me?, well get in a car an drive it into a wall dont try an ignite my flame with your compelling prose or wonder bra, you want to be radical well quit listening to iron maiden an lie down until some one comes to rescue you, you want to wear something fashionable an in a new exciting way, stick a pair of jeans up your arse you see the problem with hateing everything is alienation of the alien nation

oh well theres allways the good ole fashion cup of tea to keep me going, ill put the kettle on...