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2003-06-22 + 10:55 p.m.
you know what, i dont know how to be kind, i remember growing up an never dateing, i never really understood what the whole love deal is, i still dont understand that, sex scared the crap out of me,i guess i smoked pot an did acid cause it was easier to deal with, i liked music through skateboarding an i like pot through music, i could also get it pretty easy as my brother was into the same scene, i learnt to play guitar an roll a joint, at school i guess i along with the only other guys with long hair where seen as the non achievers, that was fine, fuck school i had my guitar an my ethics. i remember my friends first experience of girlfriends an watched a few of them in turn start to hit on the first experiences, i remember thinking they had nothing more to say than myself, they just seemed to think they did, i didnt care i just shrugged it off, i could allways manage to get a drunken kiss from someone at a party an apart from that i wasnt sure what the heck they did, girls were allways a distraction from something id rather be doing, girls had never listened to nick drake when i was 18, the pretty townies went for the footballers, the clever bookish went for the older guys, i smoked pot an learnt the guitar, we all grew our hair, my friend got kicked from school, we left school an went on to further education, my friend got married to a girl he allways argued with, he was lazy,negative,selfish i never understood her attraction, i found out she liked his long hair, not the 'biggest' reason i would choose but then again by that time she was pregnant so i guess according to thier families that was it, as this was happening i was shy,smoked pot an took acid. random rant wherever it takes me I was the youngest member in my family, my dad my mum an my brother, i guess i have allways had a pretty quirky sense of humour, my brother was the achiever he had direction, i was the young one that they just mothered an ignored, he liked money he was gonna do this an do that. i think that all changed after he spent time in jail for burglary an heroin possesion, my brother will never be able to work, my brother is half the size as he was, my brother makes me feel ill when i look at his skeletal body an listen to his crackety voice, i hate my brother. my mother will say anything she can to give me the right answer, she wants me to be happy, i despise her dishonesty, i have guilt connected to her that you would not believe trying to make her happy. i dont respect my father, he cares for me, but he dosent know me in the slightest, you would not believe the presents he gets me for christmas, prehaps he buys them for the son he wanted an not the son he got?, my father never taught me to do anything apart from hide an dodge the bullets, i truely believe that is were he failed with my upbringing, i just wish he would of given me some pointers in life, just anything. 'son if this happens do this', 'if that happens do that', just one thing would of helped me out im sure, just somethign to give me confidence in my self, everything i learnt to be a man i learnt myself from fucking up over an over. i think i was brought up in the average british family, we went on holidays we have big family get togethers that have never been a source of fights or disagreements, i have a temper on me, i remember being so shy as i grew up, i still have that side to me, the only difference is i am angry about it, why was i shy what was/am i scared of. Do feelings scare me, its easier for me to get defensive and angry because thats simple, i hate that in myself, i want to learn to love people but i only learnt to smoke dope an play guitar, i see people in love every day an i cant comprehend how it happens, i meet people everyday who married when they were teenagers, i dont get it, where did they all learn this stuff. i moved to brighton to turn into a recluse thats the 100% truth, men are arseholes on pathetic little power trips, women are bitchy an cold, they only seem to be nice an understanding on thier terms.what i hadnt realised on my journey into hideing was the fact that someone had to pay the rent while i did that stuff, i got a job, i didnt want a career, i didnt want to go anywhere, people disgusted me. vulture culture is ripe, image is bullcrap, art is a saturated comodity, If people really gave a shit about things as much as they 'march' through the planet on thier rallies about, why am i feeling like this. if everone stopped for just 1 freaking minute in thier life an thought about something they could do to help the human race you know how much more happy the whole fucking planet would be. tomorrow at work ill be crabby, bosses will be a little weary of me, people wont attempt small talk, ill avoid eye contact. Barbara is weary of me, she knows me well in a lot of ways but she says i worry her a little, i tell her its because im scared of being lonely. This is the greatest catch 22. the more i want the more i put it on her the more she feels pressure the more she withdraws from me, i know ive fucked it up good with her, but i think i knew that from the moment i met her. She always spoke of things that i could never offer her, she likes the poetry, she is intellectual, she likes the romance, i smoked pot an learnt to play guitar, i still owe here a lot though, she has cause me to give life another shot, in the short time we had she let me glimpse at a few things i had been looking for a long time, ive learnt to trust her more than most. i have to sleep kelly will make me smile, she has the cutest face an an impecable spirit, she saves my life at work daily. I have the most fun i have ever had with her, you should meet her she will have you pissing in your pants thank you barbara and kelly |