what a weird time in my life to start a diary, im not sure i have the time or energy right now to explain why i consider this a weird time in my life, im sure as im comeing out the other side the story will unfold, anyway brief rundown today,

went to work...stimulated is the not the right word, more, hmm let me think, ah thats it moribund you know that feeling from when you are feeling tired to were you actually fall into deep sleep, thats called employment i think its fair to say there are other things in my life i would rather focus on

ok this is it straight...

i have a girl who is upset an angry with me she is married but has fallen for me in a big way (her words not mine). she is with a guy she says she doesnt want to be with i care for her an think of her as a good friend an in different circumstances im sure there could be more i wanted it to work out with her but i think i allways knew this couldnt be any more thasn two people wanting to find something they were missing, the guilt i feel about letting her down wears me out, how could it be more, we spoke about what would happen if she walked out of her situation, she said she never would, she told me in 20 years time when her children have grown up we could be together as she doesnt want to hurt them, she also says she wants to continue writing to me and talking, she tells me she loves me

i have a girl who i have had a relationship with allmost a year ago, i fell for her in a big way it didnt work out at the time, we had feelings but was the wrong time, she had a lot on her mind she tells me an on reflection i see that know, i also had my own issues, i had been celibate for a considerable time an liveing alone, i was still adjustibng to 'letting someone in' an it was a rocky road for myself in many ways, anyhow i acted like an ego idiot an she, well she acted like her self (i guess) an we fell out (details comeing soon to an entry near you!!). we didnt speak for a long time i finally made the effort an after a few 'touch an go' moments we managed to put a some of it behind us, right now she wants to try an unify us once more, the more i think about it the more i want to do the same, i have my reservations as i know she does, but we seem to have a enough substance and want to make this whole thing worth while, im scared to fall for her 100% allthough i want to so much

i have a girl at work i see every day i smile to her. she smiles to me, she warms my day an makes me realise that the daily grind isnt as grey as it normally is, i have only spoken to her briefly but i feel we have a companionship just in that smile or the occasional 'hello' an brief small talk, i do not know if this girl is married, single lesbian or blind, she is someone i would like to get to know but im not certain i will ever know her or ever even get into a situation where i could start to get to know her

but i sometimes think it would be fun trying

ok time to sleep